Friday 11 September 2015

Draft of Jeremy Corbyn's victory speech found!

It was clearly high time for JC (that's Jeremy Corbyn, not Jesus Christ... not yet anyway) to write a first draft of a speech for the victory parade, errmmm, victory celebration on Saturday. Somehow it was left on the Central Line and we publish it here. Please remember this is only a draft and some details may still be subject to change...


(loud chants of 'Jeez we can!', note to myself: ask for front row to be staffed with supporters in red t-shirts with pictures of Marx, Lenin and Corbyn in profile)

Greetings to you all! Greetings also to our friends here today from Syriza and Podemos! We are with you, comrades, in your fight against the finance capitalists of the US and Germany, and reality! All the way!

Comrades! This is the day we have been waiting for! Some of you have been waiting a bit longer like me, others have just joined us recently! But the waiting is over now!

People of future generations will remember this day as a historical turning point, when social justice returned to the dispossessed! There have been some concerns that under my fuehrership, errrmm, leadership, the Labour Party will become a chapter of the Trotskyist Socialist Party. I say.... perhaps! But Labour is a big tent with many people of different persuasion.

And, here and now, I will make a clear commitment to those on the right of the party. I will guarantee that you can stay! Yes, you can be part of Labour! Malicious rumours about purges are utterly untrue and concocted by our enemies within and without the party. Obviously there will have to be a period of re-education for some of you. I think re-connecting with the proletarian masses will be best. Perhaps a placement in the many factories all across our beautiful country shall be appropriate. Or some time in the mines that we are going to re-open in Yorkshire and Wales! (chants: 'Re-educate! Re-educate!' and 'Send them to the mines!')

Now, dear comrades. Let me also address some opinions voiced in the bourgeois press that I have not paid sufficient attention to the economic realities of our days. I say: nothing could be further from the truth! As the enthusiasm of all of you show, we are fed up with poverty and destitution! Down with the exploitation of workers! Think of the starving children of unionised train drivers in the privatised railways. Living on £48,000 pounds a year. That is a disgrace! Whilst the greedy capitalist barons of the city live it up with champagne! Never again!

That brings me to the last point of real importance. Nothing is more urgent than constitutional reform, I say! The House of Lords is an anachronism of Stalinist proportions. (note to myself: check this metaphor... something seems odd about this). We do not need an unelected upper house! Once the factionalism in bourgeois society is banished to the dustbin of history, we will be able to co-opt our carefully selected members of the glorious Socialist Party straight into the House of Commons. Away with the antagonism and strife of democratic elections! We are all workers now!

Comrades, before I go away and take my first long distance call from the our dear friend Vladimir, let me re-assure you! Things will never be the same! Honesty and discipline will be the watchwords of my first term as a leader until 2045.  (note: remove voting records from House of Commons library)

Now, let us all rise and sing the International... and let the small minded and the rich be in no doubt: NO PASERAN!

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